# 5 -Overcoming Partner Resentment
In this week's episode:
Have you been resenting your partner lately? Does the way that they come and go as they please irritate you? Do you often feel like the parenthood load is unequal with you carrying most of it? Or maybe you’ve become the default parent and you are irritated with having to ask your partner to step in help.
If any of this sounds like you or you’re planning for postpartum and don’t want this to be you, this episode is for you!! Join me and my very special guest (who also happens to be my husband 😃) as we discuss the challenges that often present when we become parents and overcoming partner resentment!
📍 Hey, I'm Kilah and since becoming a mom, I struggled with mental illness, just feeling so depleted. That was nine years ago, and then I realized that so many moms are just like I was. I've finally reclaimed my health holistically, and I wanna teach you how to do the same. Whether you're newly postpartum or a few years in this podcast is for you.
It's time to recover your health so that you can show up as the mom that you deeply. To be. This is the Healthy Postpartum Mama podcast. Let's learn and heal together. Hey everyone. Welcome back to the Healthy Postpartum Mama podcast. I'm your host, Kilah Lawson. I'm the owner and founder of Elephant Baby, where we support moms and their first few years postpartum.
I've also been known as your postpartum vitality coach because for years I've been helping mothers to reclaim their health holistically so that they could show up to be the moms that they desire to be. Welcome to the podcast everyone. Today I have a very special guest. It's our first guest on the show today.
I'm really excited about this conversation. This is my husband Charles, y'all. Hello? Hello. So I'm not gonna call you Charles, we gonna call you Chuck. Cause I call, that's what we call him. I call him anyway. So we gonna keep it very informal here. Uh, I have not normally when I do any type of interviews, I have like questions prepared.
Today is going to be very casual. Go with the flow and you'll tell 'em what's gonna come out of our mouth today. But the goal is to encourage our listeners, so grab a nourishing beverage. Today I'm drinking coffee. It's not the the most nourishing thing, but hey, it is what it is. It's that type of morning.
And then grab your partners, grab your spouse, your boyfriend, whoever, grab your partner so that they can join in and listen to this conversation today. Especially if you are feeling any sort, you fill in some type of way about your partner. You're you, you're feeling any resentment If you feel like there's been any lack of intimacy in your relationship.
Since you've entered your postpartum journey, grab your partner. Cause this conversation's gonna be real. It's gonna be raw. We're gonna be transparent. Are you ready? Are you ready? Okay. So Chuck, why don't you tell the people a little bit about yourself?
My name's Chuck, um, actually stated Kilah's husband.
Father, five c e o of elephant baby.
He, he wish
I've been a fireman for four years. That's just about it.
All right. All right, good, good. Every time that I give you guys a podcast recording, I always try to outline my seven pillars of postpartum wellness.
If you're not familiar with the seven pillars of postpartum wellness, I encourage you. To go to my YouTube channel, maybe you're listening on YouTube, but on my YouTube channel, I've l outlined all the seven pillars of postpartum wellness that I believe are crucial and critical for moms to really acknowledge in order for them to thrive in their postpartum journeys.
So today's. Pillar of wellness probably would fall under the category of tending to your soul. And I've titled this podcast episode, I resent my partner because quite frankly, that's what a lot of mothers go through in their postpartum journeys. We have our babies, we start having kids, and I know that that was my experience.
This is something that I've actually had to wrestle with since the beginning. Our time that we started having kids. And then also, honestly, really since we got married, we got married 12 years ago. Our oldest is 10 years old, so we've been parents now. I like to include pregnancy in my, in my parenting journey.
So we've been parents for over 10 years now. Our youngest is almost four, and we have three in between. And like Chuck mentioned, he's a firefighter. I'm growing a business. I am the c e o of the business. Let's just be clear there. But we have a lot going on and so I kind of just want to, like I said, just very casual conversation and we try to try to help the people out.
We're not, we're not marriage or parenting gurus, this is just stuff that we've learned along the way, really observing. You know, just some of the challenges and hurdles that we've gotten through and we want to do that in order to give you guys insight on how to work through certain things. So let's just start with what resentment is.
Like I pulled up Miriam Webster. I'm gonna read this off in my phone, but the definition of resentment is a feeling of indignant, displeasure, or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong insult or injury. That's a pretty intense definition. I mean, it aligns with how I felt often and my. Multiple postpartum journeys.
And even now our youngest is almost four. And I think it's important to acknowledge that we have people who are listening in who are pregnant and planning for postpartum. They may be newly postpartum or you know, they're further along in their postpartum journeys. Um, and I fall into that category. So I guess I'll start with a question.
Why do you feel that mothers might feel resentful of their partners and their postpartum journeys?
Uh, I would say really, I think it might be a lack of preparation between the couple for postpartum and in regards to miscommunications, um, lack of communication, but I think that would be really the top three.
In my experience.
Okay. So you said lack of preparation, lack of communication, and then what was the other one? Miscommunications, miscommunication, and then lack of communication. So I'm just gonna get into it. I remember, and not even just after we had Chucky, but I would say all throughout our parenting journey, a lot of times feeling like the load was unequal.
Like when it came to parenting and the things of the home. I just always felt that I carried more of a load than you did, and so I think, I mean, centering my voice here as a mother, and this is who our audience is, you know, I think that a lot of women could probably resonate with how I felt and how sometimes I even feel just feeling like there is an unequal weight in parenting.
I know it's been over 10 years ago, but let's think back on when we first started having kids. What did you recognize about just the load of parenting? Like did you feel at the time that you were pulling equal weight, like that you were doing things, some of the same things that I was doing? Like what was your perspective when we first started having kids?
Um, I think when we first started having kids that, you know, we agreed that we weren't gonna put our kids in daycare. So I think that was a check mark on our preparation end. Mm-hmm. Um, our check mark on our communication end. So we established that throughout your pregnancy. Mm-hmm. I think another thing is possibly after the first child, it was easier for me to be more involved because we were bottle feeding.
Um, so that created an opportunity for me to be more involved. But just based off of me having to work every day. Mm-hmm. And you being home. Yeah. You did assume most of the responsibilities. Mm-hmm. Um, throughout the day. You know, there's just no way around that. But I think throughout the first postpartum there weren't any, uh, checkups.
I think, um, you know, I was really settled into what we agreed on and, you know, just, you know, just pushing through that. Yeah. I mean, it's really, it's really a lot that can be said that probably could take this whole episode, but yeah, we can,
we can up, I get what you're saying though. So after we had our first, I.
Was working and we had both agreed that I was going to stop working and that I was gonna stay at home. But like Chuck mentioned, we did not really like, that was our original plan. And when things, certain things started to shift or I started feeling some type of way, like there was never an opportunity to really.
Reevaluate what we had originally said. You know, what we wanted our household to look like. So I think that comes in with lack of communication that you spoke about. I would say that I do feel as though that with the more children that we had, It just brought upon different issues. So I almost look at each of my postpartum journeys as seasons of our life.
And, you know, various seasons were just different. Like, I remember after we had our first, it wasn't as hard, like after we had our second, there was a whole nother season because at that point I had started experiencing depression. I had never, I had never experienced depression before. Do you remember what that was like?
Like that change in dynamic? So I think it's important to just first off before we move on to the next point, to point out that there was some things that were going unaddressed after we had our first and then we had our second, so soon after having our first. So I found out I was pregnant with our second six months after we had had our first.
I was very disappointed. I was not, At that time I was on birth control. So it was unexpected and that was, I feel like, what ushered in my depression. So not only had we not addressed changes that were happening even within the first six months of us having our first, now it, we throw in a whole nother dynamic because we're having another baby and now I'm depressed.
So do you remember what that time was like? Um,
I do remember you being depressed. The mood of the household was very gloomy. It was really just a, they go through the motions routine type of lifestyle. You know, we did stuff cause we had to, there was no, there was little joy. Hmm. There was some, there were spurs of happiness, but it was little joy in the house, I think.
Uh, yeah. You know, we both enjoyed the kids. We, we had great relationships with them, but it was definitely some much, definitely some space between us, which, you know, we just Yeah. Kept on going every day without addressing, yeah, without addressing anything. I think, um, even, even when little things got brought up to address, you know, we, you know, we addressed it out of, I'm not gonna say Spitefulness, but it definitely wasn't a hundred.
Heart sacrifice with what we were doing for each other. Yeah. Um, yeah.
So at that time, I remember when Chuck would go away for work. I would intentionally go to sleep just to make the time pass. And then I remember when I would, sometimes I would get up and try to, you know, clean the home or do something within the home just to make it seem like I did something for the day.
And then some days I just didn't. And he would walk in and the house would be a mess. And this was also towards the beginning of our marriage. He wanted to be active in things outside of the home, like basketball leagues, softball leagues. There was some point in time where you were wanting to play football.
Was it professional football too, or I was just semi-pro. Oh, semi-pro football. And I was like, just so I that. I remember that being a huge point of resentment. You know, 100% of my focus is on these children in this home, and I'm struggling with my mental health. I'm struggling to do everyday tasks, and I was resentful over the fact.
You would get up and go and, you know, play basketball or, um, you know, that you were even thinking about starting semi pro football. Just because first off, I didn't have that freedom. I felt like I didn't have that freedom, even though I do remember you always encouraging me to get out the house, but it was so difficult for me to just pull myself away from the home.
But I remember feeling very resentful towards the fact like, this man could just get up and um, he could just get up and go. Like, and then also too, when you would get off of work, it was almost this expectation of me. Being excited for you being home. And me, like Chuck said, like the, the tone of our home is very gloomy because I essentially dictated what the mood of our home was.
And so even that and of itself was a, a very heavy weight to carry. You know, if I was down then it was almost like, Everybody in the home was down. And so if we're reflecting back on just specifically those points, because I know a lot of moms feel like, I felt it's hard for us to pull away from our homes and our partners kind of, they go as they please.
Um, and my right and my like in the way that I perceive that time. Is that something like, what were you thinking during that time? Like, you know, you wanting to go play basketball semi, you wanna do all these things outside of the home and I'm barely hanging on by a thread trying to keep up with what's going on within our home.
Well, I think first and foremost within that it's, I mean, it's kind of hard to, you know, paint a clear picture of what, what was going on. Mm-hmm. It wasn't like I was just a jerk and he wasn't just left. You know, when I would go to my league games and stuff, you know, I would take, I would take the kids.
Yeah. Sometimes, you know the thing, the thing is, is one, you know, my generation or whatever, you know, coming up, we weren't really educated in mental health. And things like that. Mm-hmm. And then also coming up in the church, you know, there was that as a whole different skew definition of what's going on.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But, um, so it wasn't really anything that I thought that I had to address or mm-hmm. You know, provide, you know, any kind of. Treatment or whatever. You know, my, my thing was, you know, we, you know, she's stressed out, you know, she's crying, you know, I'll take, you know, make sure she got something to eat.
Take the kids Yeah. And be gone for some hours. Yeah. And that she should be good when I get back.
Yeah. And I wasn't, so
that was, I mean, that was, that was, that was definitely. An attempt, I think. Hmm. You know, as men, as fathers, you know, we kind of tend do to have a little bit more freedom. Hmm. Um, I think that, you know, even, I think that with every situation's different because like I said, with our first one, we, we bottle-fed.
So actually, actually spending more time with him away from the home than mm-hmm. The other ones because they were nursing. So I think, um, yeah. You know, if you can. Have that opportunity, you know, definitely communicate about it, prepare for it. I mean that falls upon the communication and
Preparation. Yeah. So I wanna just mention the fact like, because you mentioned that you weren't a jerk and you weren't a jerk. Like, and then, you know, even with me talking to some of my friends and really observing, even working with mothers, you know, if I had to compare, which I hate to compare, I do feel as though.
You naturally, kind of like you said, like you would prepare me, meals, you would take the kids. A lot of moms don't even have that. So I, I wanna ask, you know, do you feel that that's like, why is it that, and I know you can only speak for yourself, but why is it that so many. Men, like just don't step up even in the way that you stepped up.
And then for, like I said, for even for me, like even what you were giving me was not enough, but I think that that kind of points to our lack of a village. Even though at the time his parents were taking the kids very frequently, um, you know, my parents were involved, so we had the support, but it just still, sometimes those days, I remember them being so long and just me feeling so lonely and there was a lot that I was just dealing with, uh, mentally, emotionally, but like, where did you.
Because like, I feel like it came naturally some of this stuff, like Chuck, before we got married, we had the conversation of, you know, were we gonna take on traditional roles? How traditional would those roles be? Like, we would literally ask each other questions like, who would be the one to take out the trash?
Like, who's responsible for meals? Like we were asking those questions before we got married. And when we started having kids, there were just some questions that we didn't even anticipate to ask or talk about. Right. But why do you feel that you were more like, why are men not stepping up in the way that you stepped up for me?
You know, making sure that I have food on the table, making sure that you're grabbing the kids when you are, you know, going to play basketball or whatever. What, what's causing that dynamic within our society today? I
think really it, I don't have any formal education on this. All mine is just, you know, I do a little reading
here and there.
It don't have to be formal. Just speak from your experience. What I think,
what I've, what I've observed and, you know, understood. There's four kinds of men. Hmm. You have men who are, uh, they're family. Hmm. They want to have families, they want to have kids. Mm-hmm. They want to be there to support and uplift their family in every kind of way.
Mm-hmm. You have family tolerant men who is, the attitude is, you know, if it happens, it happens. I'll do what I gotta do. You have responsibility driven men. Hm. Um, who are gonna handle their responsibilities if they have a family. Hmm. And then you just have intolerant. To where, I mean, they'll go to work and then they'll come home and they're shut off from everything else.
Hmm. And sometimes, you know, everybody experiences a little bit of that all at the same time. But for me, I was really, I mean, I've always been family driven. Yeah. You know, I've wanted to be a young father. Hmm. Um, I wanted multiple children. Mm-hmm. Um, I felt as though that. We had conversations about that.
Yeah. And really it would've been really unfair, hypocritical of me to not pour into my family Hmm. The way that I have, um, based off of those conversations there. It's like, you know, Hey, I want this, can we get on the same page with this? Can you give me this? Mm-hmm. And she gave me kids, so it'll be unfair for me to withdraw.
Mm-hmm. And, you know, not handle. Not only responsibilities of being at a household, parenting, working, you know, things like that, but addressing just needs and wants. Yeah. And I think really, but all boil down, like I said, you know, earlier, it's just, you know, the lack of education with certain things. Mm-hmm.
You know, although we did have a village, you know, our parents got our kids at least two times a month. Yeah. And you know, looking back, you know, had I had the proper education, It's a proper understanding of what was really going on in the house we definitely could have addressed
so much. So let's talk about that because I feel like that that might be something that people need to heat here.
Like what education is needed to handle. You said that situation. Are you referencing, you know, just a situation where mom is experiencing depression or anxiety or some other mood disorder? Is that what you're referencing or, uh, that,
um, along with just building up your relationship mm-hmm. Um, building up each other, you know, just have those tough conversations.
Okay. We've never had a conver, we've never had a, we didn't, at that time, we didn't have a productive mm-hmm. Conversation about you being depressed. Yeah. And the state of mind that you were in. Yeah. You know, it was really, mm-hmm. It was really, Reactionary on my part. Mm-hmm. Um, and so
that's what I mean when I say that.
Yeah. So what, let's talk about some ways, like if we could go back. I mean, we've learned so much along the way and I feel like. With every child that we've had, I do feel like the dynamic of our marriage has gotten better. The dynamic of our household has gotten better. I mean, even within the last couple of years, I just feel like we're on a really, we're in a good rhythm.
Um, we are in a season and where we're shifting. Um, the last few years have been rough. We've been in med school. I'm in the midst of build, building a business. Our children are still young. So we have learned a lot. So let's talk about, when we talk about planning and preparation, what goes into that? Why don't you speak from a male perspective, and I'll speak from the perspective as a woman, but.
What do men need to prepare for going into, you know, before you even have kids, or maybe you're thinking about having another child, you know, what conversations need to be had, how can you tangibly prepare for the postpartum time?
Um, I think that preparation for men during the postpartum time is really preparing to do more work.
Mm. And that is literal. Physical work. Mm-hmm. Um, honestly, um, you know, a lot of people walk around with a mentality, an idea that relationships are supposed to be 50 50 or 100, 100, you know, people are Yeah. But really during this time, you know, that really can't be possible. Mm. Mm-hmm. Um, because we don't have the correct understanding of.
Giving birth. I think, you know, that's something that we just don't, we don't take the time to educate ourselves on. Mm-hmm. Um, really because it's, you know, it's, it really has nothing to do with us. Yeah. Um, I would say that, Hmm. Um, But if you, if you sit down and you understand actually, you know, what the, what the woman's body is doing mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Um, what is the stress that it's going through? Mm-hmm. Not only during that, not only during that, uh, labor period, but just throughout the whole pregnancy. I think it, it would definitely. Encourage you to, you know, be willing to pick up the slack. Yeah. Um, and really it's not really picking up the slack because, you know, responsibilities, they're offset, but they're equal.
Their responsibilities become different. Um, but I think that'll be, that's the number one thing that I think. You have to prepare to do more work. Hmm. Um, you have to prepare yourself to be more emotionally available.
Oh, ooh, that's a big one.
I think that, you know, we get, yeah, we can tend to be really relaxed.
Um, not necessarily standoffish, but that work would have that def that work would definitely start doing pregnancy. Yeah. It's not gonna be something that you can just turn on. Um, So I think those are, those are the top two things that being prepared as men, you know, new fa, you know, new fathers, you know, um, fathers of multiples.
Because you know, you gotta divvy up, you know, so you gotta divvy up yourself around, but everybody
deserves a hundred percent. Yeah, so I love that you say that because obviously this is what we talk about on the podcast a lot, is just the mother's need to rest specifically in those first few weeks postpartum.
So there really has to be a shift in mindset. As a society as a whole, I feel like, uh, we always talk about just the snapback culture and how moms are responsible for so much after we've just brought life into the world, how some of us have to go back to work or some of us have to pick up our duties within the household because our partners are gone, they're working or whatever.
And so really I think it's so important, just what you said. It starts first. It starts as early as you can possibly. Like if you think you may, if you know you're interested in having kids, that these conversations need to be had, um, as soon as your partner becomes pregnant, you know, educating yourself about what's going on with her body, what potentially could you guys face during the postpartum time?
Educating yourselves about postpartum mood and an anxiety disorders, really getting an understanding and. The perspective of a woman, like a lot of times I felt, or I feel like I led in the conversations or the desire to just like, I'm a learner. That's just who I naturally am. And if you have a partner who's a learner man, that's great.
Um, but so a lot of times within our dynamic as husband and wife, me entering the postpartum time, When it comes down to parenting, you know, I'm educating myself, you know, how does the brain of a child work and things like that. So I'm, I'm just a learner, so I think. From a woman's perspective, I may speak for all women, that it would just be very appreciative if men were to take it upon themselves to really just learn.
Learn about the potential issues, learn about what postpartum is like, learn about like what it looks like in different cultures, because the way that we're doing it here in our modern society in America, it ain't it like, We're experiencing postpartum mood and anxie disorders like never before. We're experiencing chronic health issues and immediately postpartum, it sets us up for long-term health.
So I talk about this all the time. This is something that Chuck has had to, he's had to live with, but my. Ups and downs with postpartum depression. Like I felt like when I first had it after my second, it never fully went, went away. Like I feel like it was something depression and being depleted, being exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed.
These were things that I've dealt with for years. So, um, Really, I think it's so important for our partners to step up and to create the environment for mothers to thrive within our household. And I think what that looks like tangibly is like just exactly what you said, like. Anticipating needing to pick up more work, you know, preparing if you're away in advance, if you know that your partner, they work a full-time job, making sure that your partner can have some time off of work so that they can be more in tune with the household and if it's, if that's an impossible situation.
Coordinating help for your wife so that they can, even if you're away from the home, that they're not feeling lonely or they're not feeling like the responsibility load is so high. One thing that you mentioned was being emotionally available. I wanna talk about that a little bit more. What does that mean?
Like, uh, I think that means, I mean it means different things for different situations. If everybody had it the way that they'd have it, they'd have that health, they'd have that six months off of work and you know, things like that. Mm-hmm. No, but the honest truth is, you know, some people don't have that.
Mm-hmm. Some people do have to have babies in, a lot of people don't get back, get back to it. Um. Mm-hmm. I just think, you know, in that situation it's, you know, just understanding that, understanding that, you know, certain things can't happen. I think understanding that, you know, you want to be this, You, the mother of your child, but you know, you can't make that happen right now.
Mm-hmm. So they'll have, so check in conversations, oh, being more convers, being more conversationally available. Mm-hmm.
Um, initiating what would, sorry, I'm gonna ask you, what would those checkin conversations look like? I mean,
I, I think they look, they should look like, you know, just acknowledging the state of whatever's going on.
Whatever state you guys are in, um, acknowledge what's going. You know,
I'll chime in here too, just like asking intentional questions of like, um, what would some of those intentional questions be If you're, you know, let's say that, you know, you schedule like, let's check in with one another once a week. And I would say be very intentional about this.
Don't just like choose a day, choose a time, you know, this is our check-in time. We're going to make sure. If our emotional needs are being met, met spiritual, physical, and mental needs, you know, well, I just answered the question right there, but, um, what could some of those questions look like during the check-in time?
Um, really, I think, those questions they can look like, do you need anything specific? Mm-hmm. Um, how are you feeling physically? Mm-hmm. What can I. You know, what can I do to support you in this area? Mm-hmm. Support you in that area, you know? Would you feel, all right if I took the kid, you know, would you, how would you use this time?
Mm-hmm. Um, if I take the kids, you know, so and so for a couple of hours or mm-hmm. You know, just things like that. Um, really what do you need? You know, I think, um, I think we've gotten off into this. The state of mind of where we believe that, our partners should be able to, assume and guess, should be able to read our minds, which I don't think is fair.
I think maybe, some things or whatever you might, you should pick up on, after you've been together for a while. Mm-hmm. But I think, really yeah, those, I think those questions should be valid questions. Mm-hmm. Um, I don't think those questions we should be frowned upon if they're intentionally asked.
Yeah. Um, you know, seeking to provide, just a solution Yeah. To whatever's going on in the moment. Mm-hmm. Um, I think that's first. I think that's first thing, first and foremost, definitely up upping the communication in those, uh, yeah. In those instances.
I agree. And then I would also too, just note. I mean, sometimes it can feel difficult, and I think maybe this will be another podcast episode, but.
During specifically the first few weeks postpartum. It's so important to center the care of the mother. Right. And I know with us and our experiences, I don't feel that you put a lot of attention on yourself. Like you just, I mean, I remember after I had had a couple, so this maybe was after Karsyn or Candon I can't remember.
, I am educating myself about Now I am aware of what the postpartum, oh, this was after I think this, I can't remember who this was after y'all, but there was one point in time where, you know, I had, learned what postpartum should look like for myself. So then now I'm communicating to you.
You know, I need these soups prepared. I need, this is what I need for my postpartum journey. And Chuck was just so willing, I remember I gave you the recipes and he prepared all of these soups and we stuck 'em in the freezer and during postpartum he would warm up the soups for me. Um, just there was such a lack of self, like it was an acknowledgment that
during this time, it really is about my needs and my recovery. Um, there was not very much mention, I don't think we ever really had the issue of you pressuring me into sex or any of that. Um, just, just the acknowledgement. I think that's one thing that we need to really acknowledge when we're coming into the postpartum time is, sorry fellas, but really y'all gotta be put on the back burner because.
If we do not care for mothers in the way that they need to be cared for, especially within those first few weeks, then it really sets the tone and the dynamic for the months and years to come. And so I think with having that mindset like, I'm gonna love on my, the mother of my child, I'm really gonna care for her during this time.
Kind of like Chuck, you mentioned, you know, it's not gonna be 50 50 all the time, or people, some people say you should give it a hundred. A hundred. No, like during postpartum fathers really have to step in to do more so that mothers can really lean into their femininity and, resting and recovering for their wellbeing.
And each of you, knowing that this is just gonna be for a short season. But I do kind of wanna touch on, you know, from the male perspective. Do you feel that men sometimes may feel like that they're being neglected , in those first few weeks postpartum? Um, is that something that you felt in during any of our experiences?
believe, I think, yeah. I think it's way, it's a, natural feeling. Yeah. I think that, it ties into, just your lack of, you know, if you don't prepare and communicate about certain things. Hmm. You know, beginning we really didn't prepare or communicate about anything.
We really just attacked the days, you know? Yeah. Day by day. Um, we were definitely, you know, six week checkup, six week you can have sex again and yeah. Know things
like that. We did it before, after we had Chucky bad decision.
We, um, You know, but having those conversations, you can, you know, already, you know, kind of have that expectation there.
Mm-hmm. Um, and really it's just about, just having a mental fortitude as a man too know that, you have to sacrifice parts of yourself. Yeah. For, for the good and the wellbeing of the family really. Yeah. I mean, really it's don't let that be your driving factor to, , love your wife or mm-hmm.
What have you you're still doing what you're doing because you want to, you want her to be the best version of her at the end of the day. Mm-hmm. Because really you get the best version of her. That's who you get to, you know, spend your time with.
I think I look back on like when we first got married and I remember feeling like I had to fight for myself.
There was nobody else fighting for me like I had to fight for myself. I had to, I'm a person who's just very vocal and so some people that's off-putting, but. Because of certain traumas and things that I experienced before we got married. It was just always the need for me to make sure that, and I still feel that way.
Some, I'm a little bit more reserved when it comes to our marriage. But I think that a lot of the mentality in which we struggled was, you know, we were just looking after ourselves because we hadn't proved to each other that we could look after each other really. But I think it's just a beautiful harmony to trust and know the fact that your partner, your spouse they truly have, if, if both of us, if each of us has a mentality that we have the best intent for our
significant other, like we want the very best for them. If we think like that, if we're operating like that, then it ultimately, it automatically leads to the care that we need. I don't know if I'm making sense, but it's almost like, Like if I'm only focused on what my needs are, then it just opens up the potential for your needs to be neglected.
And then maybe you feel like you have to fend for yourself. The beauty in a marriage, the beauty in a partnership, the beauty in a relationship is recognizing and acting and choosing you know, I'm gonna do what's best for not myself, but I'm gonna do what's best for my significant other.
And if both of us have that mentality, then our needs are gonna be met. You're gonna be helping to meet my needs, I'm gonna be helping to meet your needs. And I would say during those check-in conversations, it's important too from us as mothers to hear how our partners, you know, to hear how you guys are feeling throughout this whole
transition period as well. So, um, while the focus really for especially those immediate weeks postpartum, is healing and recovery for the mother, it is important to ask those same questions like, how are you feeling? You know, what are your needs? Like what, what's going on with you emotionally?
And then also being willing to just shift and compromise in order to the, just to bring balance and harmony and intimacy within the relationship. Right. So I kind of wanna move on. I know this is kind of a longer episode, but hopefully we're gleaning insight cuz we've talked a lot about like, what it's like for parents who are newly postpartum to transition.
But what do we say to the couples who are listening in right now and they're a little bit further into their postpartum journey and they're really feeling that resentment, that they're really feeling like, and this is something I've experienced as well. We talk about the unequal load of parenthood.
Like sometimes I have felt like and do feel like, like why should nobody had to tell me to learn about the development of, my children in order to be the best mom that I could be. And sometimes the resentment came in having to communicate these things to you.
I know that you mentioned how. You know, we, you can't read minds and things like that, but I feel like this is the dynamic for so many households where it's just, we're the default parent mothers are the default parent. Our kids come to us for everything. We're responsible for managing the home. Some women are working outside of the home on top of trying to maintain their home.
Um, so, and again, you know, some men go as they please, they have their other things going on. So let's talk about that. Like how do we overcome the challenge of mothers being the default parent? First off, do you feel like a lot of times. Let's, let's, let's keep it real with our relationship. Do you feel like that that was the case?
Do you feel like that that was the case for us? Like when the, the term the default parent, like do you feel like there was a default parent in our,
so this is, this is really, this is really where, um, for lack of a better word, the unfairness for me kicks in. Mm. Because. I believe naturally you are the default parent.
Mm-hmm. You carry a baby, you build a baby for nine months. Hmm. And you push your baby out and where's the baby go after the baby comes out immediately to the mother. Right? Hmm. So you get that and then you, you have nursing, you know you're nursing, so, oh wow. That baby can builds a connection with you. Um, however long you choose to nurse a.
And the baby knows they come to me for, I mean, this is, this is within our real, with, you know, our journey. The baby comes to me for fun, but when the baby starts crying, you know, the baby's ready to eat, gotta go back to mom. Mm-hmm. So it's like, hey, this is where I have to go for my niece to be met. And that's the mentality that they have as they grow up even today.
Even not necessary today. But you know, I see it as my kids are older. You know, and you know, she's upset because my children will walk right past me and go ask her for something. Yeah. It's like, you know, it's like, why don't you go ask, you know, go ask your dad. You know? He's sitting right there. He's sitting right there.
But that's, it's not, I mean, it's not necessarily a bad thing. I think that. What it is, is it's just the way of life that they grow, that they've grown to understand. Mm-hmm. Um, you know, in regards to combating that or whatever. Hmm. Um, what I, you know, what I try to do is I'll say, Hey, cause it's, it, it's a little bit of extra sprinkle for us because I'm gone.
Um, for work. And so I'll come home and I'll have to say, Hey, don't go ask your mom for anything. You got any questions coming to me? Mm-hmm. Um, but I think, you know, that that has really been, I mean, that's something that we deal with today. You know, we talk about, we struggle through, um, Not really, you know, and for me it is, you know, I don't wanna invalidate her feelings because, you know, her feelings are a hundred percent true.
You know, she's the default parent. Hmm. But, you know, at the same time, I think that, you know, we really don't look at, you know, what mothers have to do for children to create that, um, bond or, you know, the, the, the reason for that, you. Yeah. You know, if you got, if you have, I mean, and if you, I mean, if you look at different, as different relationships, you know, if, let's say you have a, you know, you have a mother and a pa and a father and bottle fed and, and you know, if they're formula fed, but the mother's working every day and you know the father's Hmm.
You know, bottle feeding every day, you know, this, that, and the other. Nine times outta 10, their father will be the
default parent. Hmm. But like, if the parent, so that's interesting. That's kind of what I, I was thinking about this as you're talking first off, like I, I love that recognition of the fact that, you know, from birth infancy, you know, that parent, I don't think I ever.
Like, as long as we've been married. I don't think I've ever heard you say it like that, and I don't think I've ever acknowledged that. So I think that's a very beautiful thing to acknowledge. But, um, you know, you, you're kind of mentioning, you know, the different dynamic. Like if, if mom were the. Working out of the home if dad were to stay at home, and I think honestly, that's probably why you are the way that you are.
Maybe I don't wanna speak for you, but what I had known, what I know and knew and recognized from Chuck's dad was that he just was. Very involved domestically within your household. Um, so do you feel like that has a, that plays a part in just the way that fathers father their children and mothers mother, their children, the way that we grow up and what we see?
um, I think a hundred percent. Cause either you, you want to be like it and be better than it, or you don't wanna be like it at. Yeah, that's what it, that's what it
comes down to. And that's exactly what it was for us. I mean, even within our marriage, within our parenting journey, we had these views of, you know, what we saw growing up.
And there were these conversations of what we don't wanna be like or what we do wanna be like. And then sometimes even just adopting the ways of our. And then that was a big struggle. Just he saw his parents operate a certain way. So because he liked that, then he wanted me to fall into, you know, what they, what they did growing up.
And then, you know, on the opposite end, the, of the spectrum, you know, same thing for me, like because of what I experienced growing up, I wanted him to fall into, you know, it just shaped the way that we view. Not, not only parenthood, but also our marriage and the dynamic of our relationship. So I, I think it's so important as couples, as mothers, as fathers, that we just almost like no expectations of.
How the other person should be, but really just forming and shaping, you know, what do we want for our household? What do we want for our family dynamic? What do we want for our marriage, for our relationship? What do we want for our children? Really just having conversations to shape, like what that's going to look like, and constantly having those conversations because like you mentioned, You know, things often change, often shift.
We might say something in one season and then if we're trying to continue that thing, when we need to change according to where we are, then it could cause issues. I think the disconnection is there because we are not super adamant about intentionally working towards what we want our family to be like.
And so as mothers, it's so important for us to be able to communicate our needs. A lot of times the resentment is there, but we're not speaking up, we're not communicating. That's kind of what you talked about, the lack of communication or maybe miscommunication. We're not sharing and being vocal about what we want this thing to look like.
Right. And then I know for me it was like, well, I shouldn't have to, like, nobody had to like tell me to be a certain way. Why do I have to do this? But at the end of the day, it's really not beneficial if we are not speaking up um,
especially on the back end, you know, if you get into it without planning and you have all these feelings, um, the best thing you can do for your partner is to give them an opportunity.
Mm-hmm. An opportunity to, um, not necessarily correct it, but an opportunity to, you know, just make progressive stuff forward. Yeah. And that's, uh, that's on both, that's coming from, you know, yeah. Husband and wife. Um, yeah, so I think that's, uh, It's not fair to hold things in without fully disclosing.
That's something that I feel like that we've both, like we've struggled with on both sides. I hold things in. Yes you do. You have held things in, cuz I remember specifically saying like, when you don't communicate to me what you need, it gives me, okay, yeah, I'm go. It doesn't give me the opportunity, like when we communicate and when we share what our needs are
it gives the opportunity for, for us to be ministered to, it gives us the opportunity to pour into our relationships. And I can almost, um, something in my head is telling me, well, what if you are? Some people might be thinking, well, what if we are sharing with our spouses with what they need and they're just not changing, or, you know, they're not, or it's taken forever for them.
Like, what do you say to that? What do you say to the person who says I'm sharing what my needs are. They just ain't doing like, they're just not changing. Like, what do you say to that person? Um,
I mean, really you gotta show the love and grace, you know, as hard, as hard as it is for us to, Do that in that moment, in that season, especially when we're not getting things that we feel as though we need. Hmm. Um, but you really just show love in your relationship and then, you know, evaluate, evaluate your relationship.
Hmm. Have conversation after conversation and you know, you see where you're lacking and you know, it might lead to have to lead to relationship counseling and things like that. Um, you know, this thing ain't gonna be perfect, you know, cause, you know, we're all imperfect individuals and mm-hmm
selfish in ways and, you know, things like that. But, um, I mean, really, you know, I just pray that, you know, you just pray that you're tied with a partner that wants the best for you. Mm-hmm. The best for the family and, um, just seek to be better really. Yeah, it's definitely, I mean, it's definitely hard, I think, you know, really, like I said in the beginning, you know, those four aspects to men, we've mm-hmm.
You know, everybody's a little bit in some point along this journey. Mm-hmm. Um, I can see where, you know, being the family planning family tied into man has really elevated my family. And there were times where I was just, I don't think I've ever been just solely responsibility oriented, but I've been family tolerant at times.
Yeah. Um, yeah. And that changes the dynamic of the household. Mm-hmm. But you know, you have to have a partner that. You know, not afraid to have conversations and you have to be open to have
conversations. Yeah, and I would say, I mean, if you're struggling with just being open with your partner and having those conversations, kind of like what you said, take it upon yourself, like you recognize that, Ooh, I'm struggling with this.
Take it upon yourself to do the work, to unpack and figure. You know, why am I struggling with vulnerability or opening up or sharing with my partner what they need? And then take it one step further. If you can't unpack it. And if you can't change, and if that's something that you wanna do, then that's where you would wanna maybe seek out therapy or counseling or opening up to somebody else who might be able to guide you in the right way.
But, Um, I know this podcast episode went a little bit long, so we do wanna wrap up. Maybe we'll continue with the part two. I do wanna encourage you guys, especially if you're watching on YouTube, um, we'll be in the comments just willing and open to answer any specific questions that you might have about your specific family dynamic and what's going in in your house, what's going on in your household.
So we'll be keeping an eye out for comments just to make sure that we're available to you guys to just answer any questions and support you in any way that we can. Um, but we're gonna wrap it up. So we said a lot. So I do want to. Maybe if we could just leave end with two takeaways. You give a takeaway, I'll give a takeaway specifically for, I mean, for couples who are in the position where they're resenting their partner.
Like what can they do today when we, when they get done with listening with this e to this episode, what can they do today to begin to turn things around? Oh. Um, I
would say that preparation is not too late, even if you're, You know, um, you can still prepare for what you want the rest of this time to look like.
Yeah. I love that. Um, and when I say time, I mean, don't put a time stamp on it. Mm-hmm. Um, you know, get you notebook some paper and communicate that way. Um, that be my,
yeah. So my takeaway would be to take it one step further, you know? Um, Real intentionality, like write down together. Like what do we want our, I feel like when in seasons where we're doing that, where we're just putting it on paper, what do we want our family to look like?
Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. Like what do we want this to look like? That might be the first step. What do we want it to look like? And then maybe listing two or three points under, underneath those categories to really draw out what needs to happen in order for us to get to where we wanna be.
Sure that would be what my advice would be. But thank you guys so much for tuning in. Like I said, if you have any questions, head over to the YouTube channel, drop your questions below and we'll be looking out to just answer any questions that you guys may have. If you're looking for any advice, we're open to giving it.
But thank you, babe, for joining me on this episode. I know this is kind of, is this audio comfort zone or this is completely out of his element. But hey, I appreciate you for doing this. Let me know if it was valuable to you and we'll see you guys on the next episode. Bye.
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